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Post by saramartin on Mar 20, 2016 3:46:56 GMT
Hello friends, this is very late because my computer got water damage over vacation and I got back yesterday, so I just got access to do this today. All three poems are attached in the one document :=) your mattress was the closest reciprocated.docx (71.17 KB) |
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Post by jenmacneil on Mar 22, 2016 16:32:43 GMT
All of these poems have at least one really, really beautiful moment in them.
In "Birthday," it's "I hope twenty is better than nineteen/
I try to scribble the clear part of the door away but I only make it cleaner
." In "A week," it's "I have to live inside your body/
I thought a tapeworm might be so lucky
." In "In your bed that I didn't know," it's "So I choke him instead/
And let him go before he dies in his college bed
/ Sweetly, perfectly, purple
."
I think all of these bits do a lot of work in each poem in solidifying tone and characterizing the speaker. I also think it's really interesting that they are all concerned with being cleansed, being pure, maybe sometimes being a parasite. They're all really interesting.
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Post by cailey on Mar 23, 2016 18:18:12 GMT
Hey, so first Birthday:
A couple lines threw me out when I was reading. "for I won't forget the thread" and "when I go to make it seldom." I'm not sure if it was the wording or the way it was organized but neither of these lines made tons of sense and they pulled me away from the rest of the poem. Also, I don't think the end line is necessary. I think if you expanded the title so that the last line is actually the title it would work really well. Because then the title would make the reader expect something so different from the poem and I just think that would work really really well. Having Birthday as the title and the last line is almost too much.
A Week: I really like this but I think you might have too many metaphors in it. There's just so much going on in the poem that it's sort of overwhelming and distracting because I can't tell what the tone is supposed to be or how this poem is supposed to make me feel.
In your bed that I didn't know: The title of this confuses me first. It just doesn't make sense and I don't know what it adds to the poem. Also the second stanza has really great images and leaps, but I think that the wording was a little hard to follow. This is one of those stanzas that I think if you could have someone else read it out loud to you then you might be able to reword and reorganize the lines a little just so that it flows better. But keep the images. I love the jump from stationary to envelope and the double meaning you pull out of the word.
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Post by prosekitten on Mar 23, 2016 18:30:46 GMT
Birthday:
The same two lines Cailey mentioned threw me off, as well. The idea of the napkin and the thread doesn't match up to well--I think there's a better way you could rework that to get more fluidity and have it make more sense. As for "when I go to make it seldom," it doesn't seem like seldom is the right word there. I think I get what you're going for? It's a bit unclear. There are also a couple places where you mention the idea of being a cockroach--which I like--but I think using a different thing the second time instead of using cockroach twice would put a little more depth into the piece; however, it does work the way it is and I like the idea. So if you wanted to leave it, it wouldn't make or break anything.
A Week:
There are a few different ideas in this piece that I think could be focused on in individual pieces. They don't mesh too well together and it seems a little bit forced. You could separate out the hat with the thin hair, the compilation of spoken word, and the penetration not cutting it/having to cut it. I think the part about the penetration would actually make a really strong piece on it's own and because weird, uncomfortable topics come naturally to you, I think you could do a good job with it.
In your bed that I didn't know:
You've got some great images in this piece. I suggest keeping a majority of them. The only one I'd consider reworking or tweaking is the "refurbished airplane." The pair of inhaling and an airplane don't mix well together. People don't think of airplanes as having to inhale, and I can't quite figure out what part of it would inhale. It's a little confusing and takes away from the overall meaning. The title is also a little bit confusing and I think you could aim for something that better captures the piece. Because the bed is just the thing the narrator is choking the guy on, it doesn't really add much to have it in the title. For a piece like this, I'd suggest using the title to convey a part of the poem that isn't spoken. There are already a fair amount of details in the piece--but what's missing? What's central to it that isn't talked about in the content that you could work with in a title?
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Post by sadpunkpoet on Mar 23, 2016 18:51:53 GMT
Out of the three "Birthday" was definitely my favorite. There were some places were the phrasing you chose was odd (ex. "for I won't forget the thread" and "when I go to make it seldom" but other than that I really fucking felt this piece. I don't have any edits but I will say keep writing poetry like this, please.
I'm not really sure what to say about "A week." It didn't resonate with me as much as the first one did, but I definitely still enjoy it. My favorite line from this piece is, "And your pipe cleaners shine/ Of oil,// from construction work of anxiety." The only thing I'd change about that is the line breaks there; I'm not sure what to change it to but I think that could be played around with. I also like the idea of making yourself become a tapeworm to be a part of somebody. It's so sick in an almost sweet (creepy?) way. Also, get rid of usually in the first stanza (it just doesn't need to be there is all.)
Again, play with some of the line breaks in "In your bed I didn't know." The only word I really have a problem with is "envelopes" being on its own (not really a strong enogh word to have its own line.) Other than that the imagery here is really solid. Maybe go into a little more detail of Patrick Bateman just for the hell of it (would add an interesting twist imo.)
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