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Post by prosekitten on Mar 19, 2016 0:55:35 GMT
Here are a couple poems based on the six-word story. |
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Post by saramartin on Mar 21, 2016 1:05:01 GMT
I love the title of "She can't even a breadstick". I like how you start off the poem but for the first stanza I think you can separate the lines more, specifically, when you say, "but for her". Something else I'd like to see was the process of her "mindset". I think it could be stronger if you added in the process she goes through before getting to the point of telling herself that "it's okay" to eat certain things. Also, killer last line.
This poem is fucking awesome. First, the title really kills it, I think It would look cool as all lowercase but thats something you can play with. I'd like to see the infatuation of twitching behind her eye, if that's something she's obsessed with or strays away from. My favorite line would be "you're going to get dehydrated" and clutching the defensive keychain in your hand, that shows an insane amount of imagery. When you mention "chocolate raspberry mocha" I was expecting you to say water, because that sounds like something that this person would stray away from. Maybe re-visit that part. I love the last line. This poem is awesome, and encapsulates this process exactly.
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Post by jenmacneil on Mar 22, 2016 18:04:08 GMT
I love the buildup to the last line of "She Can't Even Eat a Breadstick," and the fact that it has it's open space really adds to that. That was a great choice. I'm sort of torn between asking you to provide more specific details and asking you to leave the poem alone. On the one hand, more specific details will help expand the feeling you're trying to create and really personalize and enrichen your poem. On the other hand, I like the subtlety and the implications it already has. Hard 2 say, man.
The last two stanzas of "The Box of Mashed Potatoes Is Still on the Record Player" are so great. Super impactful.
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Post by cailey on Mar 23, 2016 18:25:44 GMT
She Can't Even Eat a Breadstick: At first I was a little thrown off that the title and last line are the same but actually I love it. It's so circular and I think the circular aspect is a huge part of the poem's theme. It really ties the whole thing together and leaves the reader with that lingering phrase. I didn't love the first stanza and I'm trying to think of more helpful advice but I can't quite figure out what it was about the stanza that I think needs some work. Maybe play with the line breaks some more? On all the other stanzas the line breaks felt really powerful and worked really well with the flow but that one the line breaks felt sort of mediocre. There also aren't very many specifics or images in the first stanza. I like the word shoveling but I think you could go more in depth with that first stanza so it adds more to the poem.
So I've helped you with this poem before and don't want to just say the same things again. But the part about the twitching your eye through me off a little. It seems like the speaker should be trying to blame the twitching on something else. Like, it probably is because of not eating enough and drinking too much coffee, but it seems like the speaker is kind of trying to avoid the issue and blame convince other people that not eating enough isn't really the issue that it is.
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Post by sadpunkpoet on Mar 23, 2016 23:26:19 GMT
"She Can't Even Eat a Breadstick" had a raw feeling to it. Including that a specific mindset is necessary for the person to be able to eat adds a much darker layer than what people usually expect when reading something of this nature. The details of what foods are okay makes the piece even more heart-breakingly (not a word but w/e) realistic; as if the person has rehearsed what they're allowed to have. The only edits I have for this piece is playing with the line breaks in the first stanza. Reading it out loud will help you find the natural breaks.
"The Box of Mashed Potatoes is Still on the Record Player" is my favorite piece of yours that I've read. The details in the imagery are what really pull this piece together. If I'd change anything it would have to be the ending of the third stanza. It doesn't flow with the rest of the story and feels pretty out of place. Honestly you could probably use that in another poem all together.
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