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Post by jenmacneil on Mar 17, 2016 21:06:19 GMT
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Post by prosekitten on Mar 19, 2016 1:07:49 GMT
I like your use of italics in "sometimes life is just okay." And I like the idea of the white wall--it's nothing spectacular. And the man in this is nothing spectacular. I think you paint the story wonderfully with this poem. Your line breaks work well and it flows nicely; however, the one part about your grandma doesn't quite fit in. Or maybe it does. I don't know. I don't know what that phrase means, so it may fit. But for people who don't know, it seems a bit out of place.
As for "one time i tried to be positive and it was a disaster," I like the contrast: how the narrator acts like they know what they're doing but they really don't deep down. I think it speaks to a lot of people--especially when we try to deal with a situation like that and it doesn't go the way we hope.
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Post by saramartin on Mar 21, 2016 0:42:35 GMT
"sometimes life is just okay" had an awesome title from the beginning. I feel like you really took a different turn here and I love your use of second person. The concrete details are what make the piece so significant, even if we don't get them all. Some of your strongest lines "his energy is beautiful" that's what you would say if he was right for you. I like how this is sort of a letter to yourself, trying to control things you can't necessarily control.
once again, love the title- and obviously the extension of it. This piece starts out strong for starting with dialogue instead of setting. I like so much when you say "I want to be controlled". Both of these poems are so conflicting in love and what you want. Also, how your shaping what you want based on the people around you. I think that the last line could be played with a little more, maybe formatted differently to create that punch you want. This is really strong and I love it.
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Post by sadpunkpoet on Mar 23, 2016 18:31:42 GMT
I like the reoccurring white wall in "sometimes life is just okay". It lets the reader know that it's presence is significant to the speaker and the piece as a whole. I'm not entirely sure what it's supposed to represent, but the vagueness works in this case because it allows for the reader to input their own interpretations of it. There are some details included that I'm not sure really add to the narrative given (ex. the mom and her car/ancient male philosophers), but they still feel oddly fitting. As a whole I really don't understand the meaning behind this piece, but it sounds nice. Mechanically speaking everything looks great, but the content isn't working for me (at least with these details.)
First of all, "once i tried to be positive once and it was a disaster" is an incredible title (tbh it's because of this that I've started using longer poetry titles haha thnx for the inspo.) Second of all, the content of this piece is very captivating and relatable. I love how you never outright say (except for the beginning of course) how the speaker is feeling. All the emotions are shown through action and description. That being said, the characterization here is fantastic. I feel like I know this person, or as if I could find them walking around campus.
My biggest edits for this piece would be either drop the line about the doodling girl or add more imagery in the second stanza because as is it sounds like the female is going to play a larger role in the story you're creating. It also sounds like background description, which makes the boy seem like an unnecessary character even though he's relevant. Other than that this is one of my favorite poems of yours. Nice work.
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Post by cailey on Mar 23, 2016 18:35:56 GMT
In the one time I tried to be positive poem I really like the entire stanza about being controlled and especially that line about waiting for someone to put on their shoes. It was such a fantastic detail. (Also this revision doesn't have an over description of feet like Angela got all carried away with last semester, so that's good. I really like the edits you've done.) The biggest thing I would suggest you work on with this is the first stanza. I know what you mean with it, mostly because I read this once before and heard you talk about it a little, but even so it took me a second to figure it out. Maybe I'm just not at all cool enough, but my mind was instantly like "what thing? does she have a present for him?" and I only knew that she meant she liked him from background knowledge about the piece and context. So, maybe word it a little different so that we're not expecting an actual thing? Unless I'm just really pathetic and don't understand how people talk. Which is definitely a possibility.
I really like the second poem. The second to last stanza has the word "My" in it though. Is that a typo? If not then it really threw me off and I'm not sure who my is supposed to be because everything else is second person. (Which works super well, by the way.) Also the last line doesn't feel all that powerful. I almost want to say just end it with the stanza above, though I do like the way the one line on its own looks. Also I'm not sure if it will be super effective to have the title and last line be the same in this piece. Also, I really love the line breaks throughout and the use of long and short lines.
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