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Post by sadpunkpoet on Mar 16, 2016 21:54:50 GMT
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Post by cailey on Mar 17, 2016 14:59:08 GMT
Hey!
5th Period Massacre: The title first off is perfect. You do a great job in this piece at pulling out specific details so that the story is so real and believable and tragic. The narrative poem works well and the story is clear and well told. I like the way you give the context a little at a time, so that we don't quite know what happened until the end but we're pulled through because we want to know what happened.
The Aftermath: You have excellent use of line breaks in this piece. Especially right at the beginning, that break before "anymore" is really powerful and really effective. My suggestion for this one is to play with the paragraph that has parenthesis. It just wasn't as good as the rest of the poem and I think it could be a lot better. The parenthesis seem a little out of place to me and just the language in general wasn't as strong and more detail would also help.
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Post by jenmacneil on Mar 17, 2016 21:14:39 GMT
I agree with Cailey on "5th Period Massare." You give exposition and context in a slow, seamless way here. The story is clear. Your pacing is so great in such a packed poem, especially in the line, "The linebacker prayed." It gives such a meaningful and thoughtful pause that the poem deserves.
In "The Aftermath," I get the intent of the parentheticals and I think they work well, they just need some more to surround them. You could get more specific about what you're trying to convey through the parentheticals with some more intimate images (kind of like your descriprion of the way your comforter makes you feel).
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Post by prosekitten on Mar 19, 2016 1:01:16 GMT
I definitely agree about the title for "5th Period Massacre." It's spot on. Your line breaks in this piece are incredible and the pacing works well. You did a nice job choosing which lines stood alone and they helped add pacing to the narrative.
As for "The Aftermath," part of me loves the title and part of me thinks you could aim for something stronger. Maybe choose to incorporate some of the details you have in the parentheticals in the title--that might help with the issue of them seeming a bit out of place.
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Post by saramartin on Mar 21, 2016 0:52:15 GMT
I really enjoyed this. You have a knack for great imagery and not being afraid with it. I agree with the rest of the crowd, the title really works. I would consider looking at this poem without all of the context and more of the smaller stanzas with the one-liners. The one-liners were the ones that really punched me, and I feel like that's the feeling you're trying to portray. I would just try to see what it looks like, it could totally not work, but I just thought of it.
For "the aftermath" I feel like, for the title, you could play with making it an extensive sentence that tells us something more. I think the last line is killer. With the line, "she couldn't say no" I wanted more of this. It made me wanting more, saying no to the alcohol or something else?
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