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Post by cailey on Mar 10, 2016 19:56:17 GMT
So this is sort of weird and maybe boring? Hopefully not. But very different than the kind of thing I normally write and I'm not sure I like it but I don't have time to write another three pages before break, which will be crazy hectic. So here's this here. Breadsticks.docx (15.14 KB) |
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Post by jenmacneil on Mar 17, 2016 21:21:21 GMT
Great job using details and characterization to provide context. I'm a big fan of inferring rather than explaining, so I really appreciated this. You spend a lot of time talking about the sounds in the kitchen, and I think that works well because we all know what unsettling kitchen noises sound like, but I'm wondering if there's anything else you can do to show the tension here. Maybe the way the air felt in the house or a smell or the shadows feeling a little more ominous? I don't know ~your vision~ or anything, so it's up to you, but I think there's more senses here than you're portraying.
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Post by saramartin on Mar 21, 2016 1:12:55 GMT
Wow. This was pretty amazing, and I love how slowly you take the reader through this. At first I was wondering where it was going, but once I knew, I was so drawn in and the whole piece got that much more interesting. I think this is a fantastic story, it feels so human and reminds me of every breaking point that people have with love and loss. Two things I would just look at is the line "Liza isn't coming home, Alice." I see what you were trying to do with this but it sort of gives it a grim quality that makes it feel like a murder is about to happen. I think you could easily take that out. I also think you could take out "I don't think we need to eat breadsticks anymore." I was ready for it to be finished after "he told her" line. I didn't pick anything up from the rest of the piece. This is really done well and you should be super proud.
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Post by prosekitten on Mar 23, 2016 18:18:10 GMT
This was great. I love the sounds and details you include and I think you could stretch it a bit further. You do a great job using actions and characterization to convey things, but maybe try adding in more of the senses, like Jen suggested. I think that would create a different environment for the piece.
I also had trouble getting into this at first. It wasn't until the bottom of the first page when you start talking about the force Henry hadn't seen in years that I was captivated and drawn in. I like the idea of including the beginning, having Henry go about his normal routine after he gets home before he goes to check out the kitchen, but I'm not sure it adds much. Maybe there's a way you can rework it to include more of the types of senses and details that the rest of the piece has? I think if you elevate it, it will have more of a place in the story.
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Post by sadpunkpoet on Mar 23, 2016 23:50:21 GMT
Okay I'm just going to type something really short because my internet keeps cutting out and I've tried to write a reply at least four times now. IN SHORT: - the emotions of the characters are very apparent without needing to be said
- the tension between the husband and his wife is very convincing
- cut out extraneous words and phrases to make the story cleaner
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