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Post by Admin on Feb 18, 2016 2:27:04 GMT
Okay -- Ready, set, comment!
(I'll join in sometime before midnight on Friday as well, of course, but I do want you guys to take the reins first!)
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Post by prosekitten on Feb 19, 2016 15:44:51 GMT
I love the star theme you've got going on. I think Jim was right: you should definitely do a series of pieces on them. You've got such beautiful language (ex. At the waking of stars/I cry so much I overflow/every jar of tears I’ve ever owned)that captures and entices the reader to keep going.
Specifically in "Regarding the Company of Stars," I love how you switch the focus from narrator to the person the narrator's describing. But I think the second stanza might make a better final stanza. The switching back and forth and the last two lines of the second stanza would make for a good ending. That being said, the final lines that you currently have work well, too. Maybe just play around a bit with it.
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Post by Jen Macneil on Feb 20, 2016 18:26:01 GMT
Cailey I think you have such a nice voice on the page. It's simple but elegant. So nice.
Two spots where you had dope pacing were in the lines "If I lose the way/ he looks at me" & "and anyone who counts/ will run out of fingers and let me sob/ alone." Your rhythm here REALLY worked for me and sounded perfect.
For a suggestion, I'd love just one more moment like that, if you can find a way to fit that pace in there.
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Post by Sara Martin on Feb 22, 2016 16:56:37 GMT
Cailey, I love this poem. I think this is the best thing I've seen from you thus far, and it's completely encapsulating. I love the crying with the stars, and that it's not just about looking at them and feeling hopeful. When you use the words sobbing, and "I cry so much I overflow" it puts so much emotion into this reading. I think you can play with the ending, by saying "lately" I feel like it undermines the generalized- celestial concept of this poem. Instead of lately, i'd like to see "yesterday" because it still makes sense in the context of this.
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Post by Admin on Feb 23, 2016 16:34:39 GMT
Hooray! I'm so glad this thread is working! First of all, I agree that you have a lovely grasp of pacing and subtle shifts in focus. I also agree, though I haven't been present for Jim's comments, that a series of star poems is a great idea. Many of my more detailed comments (both complimentary and critical) are in track changes on the attached documents, so I'll keep it brief here: My main suggestion for you is to think into word choice a little more. The emotions you're trying to get at are quite powerful, and could be more effectively washed into the reader with image based language and/or language that pushes conventional boundaries. You'll see the places I marked, but words like "heart," "heartbreak," "cry," etc, are fine, there's nothing wrong with them, yet I know with your attention to beauty and self awareness of your own feelings that you can hop out of the box a bit more! If you need more suggestions about how to do that, perhaps, let me know! Also, Jeffery McDaniel is INCREDIBLY good at it. Not that you need to write like him, of course, but he's a good example of what I mean by unconventional use of language/images. Good work  Regarding the Company of Stars edits.docx (20.26 KB) The Cycle of Fading- Edits.docx (17.42 KB) |
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Post by sadpunkpoet on Feb 24, 2016 0:11:26 GMT
Cailey, the language in "The Cycle of Fading" is absolutely beautiful. My favorite line in the piece is "I am uneven ripples of sea foam/ pulled by the moon." The images are concrete, and yet they don't follow any particular story line (which isn't a bad thing--I'm just pointing that out because in my writing I usually stick to more narrative format and it's different.) Towards the end I'd make a separate stanza between, "into the sky.//" and "My heart" I'm not really sure why but it just sounds better that way to me. However, I'm not sure I'd even keep the line "My heart/ is remnants." It doesn't quite work for me. There are a few places where the abstract language and images lose me, but overall it's a very beautiful piece. "Regarding the Company of Stars" is similar to the other piece in that the language and images don't really tell a story as much as they describe how you're feeling. In that sense you do a great job at portraying beauty and loneliness, but at least to me some of lines are confusing. I've made more detailed edits on the document. The Cycle of Fading.docx (14.85 KB) Regarding the Company of Stars.docx (17.19 KB) |
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