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Post by Admin on Feb 18, 2016 2:26:36 GMT
Okay -- Ready, set, comment!
(I'll join in sometime before midnight on Friday as well, of course, but I do want you guys to take the reins first!)
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Post by Cailey McCalister on Feb 20, 2016 0:28:28 GMT
(Most of my comments were on the doc which I'll email to Kiera but here are some comments for this.)
I think this is definitely good and the edits helped a bunch! My favorite lines are all the descriptions of the bear. They sound so adorable and you just really capture your feelings for the bear in every way that you describe it.
You should continue to look a little at the organization of the piece. I think it’s in a chronological order but it’s not quite obvious if that’s actually what you were doing so work on that a little more. And like I said in one of the comments, make sure that it’s clear when you two are together and when you are apart.
And the last thing is just get more specific. The more concrete details the better, since it makes the story come alive. I think that’s why I like the bear descriptions so much.
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Post by Jen Macneil on Feb 20, 2016 18:31:49 GMT
I love the narrative in this and I love the title. Very weird title, but in the best possible way. So great.
My only suggestion would be simpliar to Cailey's--more specifics. I would love to see more specific images of the world you're seeing to place me better in your narrative.
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Post by Sara Martin on Feb 22, 2016 17:04:52 GMT
Kiera, I love the title. i love the formatting you chose for this, I feel like it's different than your usual poems. I like the rhythm of this one, and lines like "breaths and beats". I think to improve it, it would benefit greatly from concrete images and things that are specific to you to make this experience more unique.
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Post by Admin on Feb 23, 2016 17:14:52 GMT
Hello there, Kiera! Most of my comments, as with Cailey's, are in track changes on the attached document. However, I will give you some brief info here: I also loved the formatting of this poem, especially the quotes! I think, again as I said with Cailey, that you could benefit from some wilder experiments with language. This poem is very direct, and while we can glean metaphor, of course, a few twirls outside the box would probably make the poem more powerful as a whole. Along those same lines, especially since you're working with a prosey style, pay a little extra attention to extraneous words. Most of the time, when we're working line breaks, it's easier to focus on which words we really need, and which can be thrown out, but as the lines get longer and we move into prose, it becomes harder, for whatever reason. Watch out for unnecessary "articles:" is, the, that, and, for... etc. I also think Jen and Sara are right in saying that the piece could benefit from more concrete specifics, and I marked a few places where that might be especially useful--namely in the last stanza. This is definitely an interesting piece -- amazing title, too. Amp up the edginess and creativity, which we all know you have in spades, and it'll be well on it's way. Warmly, Alice His Hands Are Paws and His Nose a Snout v1....docx (139.92 KB) |
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Post by sadpunkpoet on Feb 24, 2016 0:47:26 GMT
Yo Kiera, this is a stellar nonfiction piece. I love the idea of centering the writing around one object that's significant to you. I wonder if you could make this into a poem-- say a stanza about the bear (physical description) then the next stanza about a memory related to it--or something of that nature. The content is fine, but there are small structural and tense errors I'd correct. I'd send you the document but I think it'd just be easier to sit with you and talk you through edits.
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