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Post by Admin on Feb 18, 2016 2:25:39 GMT
Okay -- Ready, set, comment!
(I'll join in sometime before midnight on Friday as well, of course, but I do want you guys to take the reins first!)
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Post by prosekitten on Feb 19, 2016 16:38:17 GMT
I love seeing what you did with "Where People Go When They Don't Want to Come Back." I haven't seen consistently long lines much in your work before and it worked well, but I'd like to see more abrupt lines that contrast them, like the end of your second and third stanza. The lines are so short in comparison to the others that you read it quickly and stop. I like that feeling. I love the abstract title, as well.
As for "It's Negative Six Degrees Outside," I think you captured the lack of emotion really well. I don't feel much of anything from the piece and I think that that's what packs a punch with it. I'm wondering if you could play around with stanza breaks, though. My first thought was to separate the last two lines into their own stanza--but that seems expected. Then I thought about separating the final line from everything. It may land harder if you try that, or it may not.
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Post by Cailey McCalister on Feb 20, 2016 0:30:31 GMT
I really like the specific details in this piece. I think it works really well and adds to the power of the ending.
I have a lot more comments in the text but I can't figure out how to attach the file here for whatever reason so I'll email it to you.
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Post by Cailey McCalister on Feb 20, 2016 0:32:53 GMT
Oops. I didn't mean to send that yet. That was bout the negative six degrees poem.
The other one also had some really awesome imagery and details which help a ton. But I also think that this could be elevated a ton if you made it one specific instant in time and captured a specific time frame rather than a vague "this happened throughout the night."
I'll email you track changes and more comments
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Post by Jen Macneil on Feb 20, 2016 18:20:27 GMT
Evania! First I want to say that I love your title. "It's Negative Six Degrees Outside." I think that we all know that -6 is an emotion more than a physical temperature. 2 real. I think I said this last class, but abstract, long titles are one of my favorite things, so I love it.
I love the way you're using simple, flat, ordinary language and situations to describe a feeling of emotional flatness that is actually a very strong and tall emotion in itself. It's a really smart way to use your language choices to convey meaning beyond the words. I will say that, if you can find it in ~yourself~ to write this cos it may be a little personal, giving us one line of truthful, raw emotion rather than actions alluding to it to stand out would really make this even more interesting. I think the numbness of it works though, so it won't hurt to not do it either.
I also love the direct address to the reader and your choice of small details to share with us about the image you're writing. V cool.
You have another great title in "Where People Go When They Don’t Want to Come Back." It does so much work to contribute to the theme of your poem. So good.
I also love the prose style that this poem has. It's really interesting when it's done well and I think says a lot about your set of skills as a writer.
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Post by Sara Martin on Feb 22, 2016 16:48:27 GMT
Evania, I really love the title in this piece. I feel like it speaks for the whole poem, being negative six degrees outside, and we all can't come out of our rooms. I like your imagery a lot about the coffee cups and tissues, that part speaks strongly. I like the simplicity of this poem, but how it is so relatable in it's depth of darkness and how everything is so concrete.
I like the formatting- and the falling of sentences that you did.
For "Where People Go When They Don't Want to Come Back" I like the difference of this in prose. I felt like in the first stanza, some of the period's felt out of context and not fitting but thats just something with format. I think you did a really good job with the last line, and then going back and reading the title made it all swing together but also not at all. You controlled the reader a lot in this.
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Post by Admin on Feb 23, 2016 19:54:18 GMT
Hi Evania! Okay, so, as with Cailey and Kiera, most of my comments are crammed into track changes on the attached documents. However, I do have a few general things to say here: I agree with everyone on the beauty of your specifics and imagery in both poems -- excellent work. Kiera and Sara both mentioned how well "Where People Go When They Don't Want to Come Back" works with longer lines, and I agree with that-- along the same vein, the rhythm in this poem is stunning in its measured pace. You'll see in track changes that I tweaked a couple of lines so they'll adhere more (in my view) to that pacing. As much as I do love the vague timeframe of this poem, I think Cailey's suggestion is an interesting one, and worth an experimentation sesh. It doesn't have to be a more specific established moment for a single person, perhaps it's a moment in the world? Nature? Something like that. "It's Negative Six Degrees Outside" proves, once again, how great you are with titles. I agree with Jen that it's clear very quickly that -6 represents emotion as well, represented perfectly with the flat language. That being said, I think you could make that even more stark and powerful by adding a touch of contrast--perhaps a short reference to exactly what you're NOT feeling, to give us a sense of the larger, beautiful/terrible world that, for the moment, has eluded you. More specifics in my track changes. Good work  Its Negative Six Degrees Outside revisions.docx (19.43 KB) Where People Go When They Dont Want to Com....docx (19.33 KB) |
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